Sermon Title: Do you know your love language?
Sermon Text:
1 John 4.7-21
Sermon Date:
(Thanks to Rev.
Lynn Carlson for her input.)
This is a different kind of message
today. In part, it is for those of you
who are married or in a romantic relationship.
But it is for the rest of us too.
We all need to learn more about how to love. After all, love in all forms is a critical
part of our lives and emotional well-being.
Today we are going to take a crash
course in learning about our love languages.
Several years ago I found this book, “The Five Love Languages” by Gary
Chapman. Since then I began using this
in the premarital counseling I do before officiating at a wedding.
The premise is that each of us has a
primary way of feeling loved and a primary way of showing love. We know we are being loved when our loved one
communicates with us in our primary language, and the same is true for our
loved one.
Chapman outlines these five:
1.
Quality
Time
2.
Words
of Affirmation
3.
Physical
Touch
4.
Acts of
Service
5.
Receiving
Gifts.
The
first language is WORDS OF AFFIRMATION. There is a joke about a senior couple playing
a version of the “Newlywed Game” at church one night. The question was “when was the last time your
husband told you he loved you.” Her
answer was
When
the husband got that question he too answered
“On
our wedding day I told her I loved her and that if I ever changed my mind, I’d
let her know.”
Let’s
just say that certainly his gift is not words of affirmation and
hopefully it isn’t hers either. If that
were the case, she was definitely not getting her needs met.
Words
of affirmation includes encouraging words, kind words, humble words and even
indirect words in this category.
Indirect words are those things not said in your presence. Words of affirmation feed us when we feel
loved by what is said about us or to us.
You know, like, “Honey, you are a great cook,” or “I really appreciate the
way you take care of the yard.” Those
may seem like small things, but if your love language is words of affirmation,
they make you feel loved.
Then
there is QUALITY TIME. If you need time together and quality
conversation, this may be your love language.
If it is, you need time with your loved one often to keep your tank
filled up. But let me tell you what it
isn’t. My friend Della’s husband thinks
that he understands the concept of quality time. He
thinks they spent the evening together even though he was playing games on the
computer while watching C.S.I. Okay,
sure they were in the same room but since Della’s language is quality time,
let’s just say she wasn’t feeling the love that night. If you relate to her story, maybe this is
your language. People with this language
need time, talking, looking at each other instead of the television, and
sharing experiences. Nothing else will
do.
The
third language is GIVING AND RECEIVING
GIFTS. Don’t be afraid of this
one. It doesn’t mean that only a dozen
long-stemmed roses will do. Wildflowers
may also do the trick. So does a bar of
chocolate. A handwritten note. Heck, a power tool might do the trick
too. This just means that the taking of
the time and intention to give a gift helps this person to know he is loved.
The
fourth is ACTS OF SERVICE. If this isn’t your language, this story won’t
do much for you but Dr. Chapman asked Jim if he felt loved by Janice. “Oh, I’ve always felt loved by her. She is the best housekeeper in the
world. She is an excellent cook. She keeps my clothes washed and ironed. She is wonderful about doing things with the
children. I know she loves me.”
How’s
that for romance? But what he is saying
is that he feels that Janice does these things for him, not because it is her
job, but because she loves him. He
believes she offers these gifts because she wants to profess her love by her
actions. Jim comes from the “talk is
cheap” side of the family.
The
last love language is physical touch. When babies aren’t held enough they can
develop what is known as “failure to thrive.”
They can actually die from this.
Just as senior adults can waste away from lack of physical contact with
others. It is true for all ages and
genders as well. For some this touch is
sexual. For others holding hands goes a
long way, as well as a touch on the back when he or she passes by. If this if your language, only touch will
do. It is part of your make-up.
Let’s
look at these again. Words of
affirmation, quality time, receiving gifts, acts of service and physical
touch. You have a way of feeling loved
and a way of expressing love. Don’t try
to avoid these. They won’t go away
simply because you want to ignore these languages. Everyone has one. Couples who work well together are those who
know these things or are willing to learn.
Couples who are most challenged are those who are unwilling to adapt to
this new information. Dr. Chapman says
that the object of love is not getting something you want but doing something
for the well-being of the one you love.
Another
important point is that no one’s language is wrong. Just because you don’t get it, doesn’t mean
that another’s language is invalid or stupid for that matter.
So
which one jumps out at you? Soon I’ll be
announcing a date for a six week workshop on these languages. Twenty minutes just isn’t enough time to
process all this, but it is enough time to get you thinking about them. Let’s face it…this is important stuff and it
makes so much sense. You don’t even have
to be married or in a romantic relationship for these to have meaning. The vast majority of us love someone –
spouse, parent, sibling, or friend. And
if we can figure out our love language and theirs, it will go a long way in
building a healthy relationship. I bet
this would even work at the office for that matter.
And
we need to know these things because Jesus wants us to love and to love
well. In fact we have a responsibility
to love. Let’s look at 1 John 4.
“7Dear friends, let us continue to love one
another, for love comes from God. Anyone who loves is born of God and knows
God. 8But anyone who
does not love does not know God--for God is love. 9God showed how much he loved us by sending
his only Son into the world so that we might have eternal life through him. 10This is real love. It is
not that we loved God, but that he loved us and sent his Son as a sacrifice to
take away our sins. 11Dear friends, since God loved us that much, we surely ought
to love each other. 12No one has ever seen God. But if
we love each other, God lives in us, and his love has been brought to full
expression through us. 13And God has given us his Spirit
as proof that we live in him and he in us. 14Furthermore,
we have seen with our own eyes and now testify that the Father sent his Son to
be the Savior of the world. 15All who proclaim that
Jesus is the Son of God have God living in them, and they live in God. 16We know how much God loves us, and we have put our trust in
him. God is love, and all who live in love live in God, and God lives in them. 17And as we live in God, our love grows more perfect. So we
will not be afraid on the day of judgment, but we can face him with confidence
because we are like Christ here in this world. 18Such
love has no fear because perfect love expels all fear. If we are afraid, it is
for fear of judgment, and this shows that his love has not been perfected in
us. 19We love each other[as a result of his
loving us first.
20If someone says, "I love God," but hates a
Christian brother or sister,[b] that person is a liar; for if we don't love
people we can see, how can we love God, whom we have not seen? 21And
God himself has commanded that we must love not only him but our Christian
brothers and sisters, too.”
Those
of us who claim to love God MUST love one another. It really is that simple. It doesn’t mean you have to be a
doormat. It doesn’t mean you must live without
boundaries. It doesn’t even mean that
you must like everything everyone does to you or let people off the hook when
they do something wrong. But we do have
to love them, even those we don’t like.
They too are children of God and deserve to be treated as God would want
them to be treated.
If
we don’t love them, then as verse 20 tells us, we are liars. We are lying about loving God if we don’t
love our brothers and sisters in Christ.
And that is sooo hard. To love
all these people God wants us to love is really hard work. And perhaps we won’t ever get there but if we
can love and feel loved by those we are close to, well, maybe we can do a
better job of loving those we aren’t close to.
When our tanks are empty, in Dr. Chapman’s language, we don’t feel loved
and we probably don’t give it very well either.
If
your love language is quality time and your spouse washes the car instead, your
tank gets empty.
If
your language is words of affirmation and you never hear “well done” or “I love
you,” your tank gets empty.
If
your language is acts of service and no one ever does anything for you, your
tank gets empty.
If
your language is receiving gifts and you never get one, your tank gets empty.
If
your language is physical touch and you wait in vain, your tank is empty.
The
bottom line is that we need to be love and be loved to be emotionally healthy. Love is a decision, not just a feeling. Love is not just that romantic tidal wave
that occurs in dating. We decide to love
as followers of Jesus Christ.
Next
week Linda is going to take these steps and talk about how they affect
children, how you affect children and what they learn from you. You know that they need your love too.
In
fact, there are a lot of people around us who need the love of Christ and our love as well. Years ago this church showed the mentally
challenged that they were worth loving and today we still do. Each Friday we show those who are financially
challenged that they are loved.
How
much are we – as individuals and as a community – willing to give to make sure
those outside these walls know that they are worth loving too?
There
is a world of people out there with empty tanks. We may not be able to fill them all, but we
can certainly try….in Jesus’ name.
Prayer:
Jesus,
loving the world may be easy for you, but it isn’t for us. We find it far easier to those who are nice
to us, those with whom we agree and share interests. But you don’t ask us to love just those
people. You instruct us to love
everyone.
We
pray today for marriages in need of renewal and healing. We pray for families in need of recommitment
and listening ears. We pray for
friendships that have been harmed. We
pray for new relationships not yet formed but ones that people need.
Help
us, Lord, to invest in the people you make known to us. To learn to love well and always. To reach out as you have reached out to us.
In
the name of the one who loves us, Amen.